Sunday, May 1, 2011

Op-Ed: What it's like to be a Bucks fan

(Editors Note: Dan Kelm played basketball at Viterbo (WI) University, before declaring for the 2011 NBA Draft. Part Mark Cuban and part Bill Simmons, this is his first contribution to SportStatistics)

With young exciting teams filled with emerging superstars such as the Thunder and the Bulls gearing up to clash against teams with a myriad of Hall of Famers in the Lakers and the Celtics, now is without a doubt an exciting time to be an NBA fan. I’ve been told that when your team makes a deep playoff run it can make the situation all the more enticing. Unfortunately, this is something that I’m about as familiar with as LeBron James and a championship ring. So Magic fans, take a deep breath. Even though it may be quite disheartening that Otis Smith decided that trading for a washed-up chucker, a washed-up Turk, and a spot up shooter had NBA Finals written all over it, it could always be worse.  You could be from Milwaukee. So, without further ado, here are my top reasons why it sucks to be a Bucks fan:

Our best player can only play with 1 arm and makes Vince Carter look like Rambo
I gotta be honest, I used to love the big Aussie.  But Andrew just seems to have a yearning desire to hang on that rim for a few excess seconds.  He literally played with 1 arm this year and still led the league in blocks per game.  On a more troubling note,  Bogut was the first player to miss 17 games with 17 different injuries.  These included but were not limited to migraines, a bruise, the flu, a late period, and back spasms.  Only 1 of these is false, you be the judge.

Our other “best player” scorched the nets this year with a career high 39% field goal %
If Brandon Jennings wouldn’t have had one game (the 55 pointer) he would be thought of as a complete bust. I’d trade him right now while he still has a little bit of stock. Jennings and Bogut for Curry, Biedrins, and a second-round pick. A Curry/Kelm backcourt could be devastating.

We have to watch Drew Gooden and Corey Maggette play basketball
Not only does Gooden have a non-human patch of hair on the back of his neck, but there’s probably a reason he’s played on the same number of teams as years he’s been in the league. As far as Corey goes, all I can say is I guarantee you if basketball IQ was on the SAT Maggette would not have gotten accepted into Duke, I don’t care if he’s an athlete.

We have to watch Ray Allen
At least we traded him for a 52-year-old Gary Payton, who played with us for less than a half of year and bolted faster than Richard Jefferson at his wedding.

We have to read in horror the tweets of Chris Douglas-Roberts
I really don’t care about your "fly school" or whatever the hell you are talking about Chris.

We have to watch Dirk Nowitzki
Another wonderful Bucks trade, during the 1998 NBA Draft we traded Dirk to the Mavs for top-notch superstar Robert “Tractor” Traylor, whose career peak occurred when he plead guilty to tax fraud in 2007.

One of our players is more known for a cheeseburger than his game.
At least there's something to thank Jon Brockman for
Jon Brockman is a sweet dude, there’s no denying that. He just sucks at basketball. However, what does not suck is the Brockness Burger, a heavenly portion of carnivorous excellence. This burger (right), a menu item at AJ Bombers in Milwaukee, is described by the restaurant as a double burger with much peanut butter, two fried eggs, four pieces of bacon, and a mess of cheese, topped off with bacon antlers to incorporate a Bucks theme. It’s no wonder us cheeseheads get a stereotype of being a little bit pleasantly plump…

We have to watch Drew Gooden and Corey Maggette play basketball.
I really can’t reiterate this enough. It’s like a horror movie gone bad. Picture Scream 4 without Hayden Panettiere.

So, in conclusion, if you are in a city that still has a team playing basketball feel blessed. If you’re say in Indiana or Denver and you are disappointed that you didn’t quite pull off those few wins that you were hoping, be grateful that atleast you got something. However, if you are in Vegas, be really ecstatic. The Las Vegas Bucks should be coming to an arena near you by 2015.

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